Of serene winter evenings

 Yesterday I discovered the joy of roasting/toasting one's feet on the open fire in these chilly evenings. I was talking to A. and we were dreaming about exploring Seattle together(dreams, dreams) and it felt surreal and nice. Today I sit here and dream of peace while listening to a disgusting conversation.

I was going to get a dressing down in the meeting(or so I had calculated) but my boss is away on vacation and this just shows that my calculations are never ever correct and I can never make a decision. No one said a thing about the whole affair, and after a week of wallowing in misery I do feel mellow, if only by virtue of having run out of energy. I have a three day weekend coming up. It does not bring me joy, because I am sick of waiting for joy, but it does herald the onset of peace.

Three days of peace, when I absolutely do not need to be stressed out about anything. 

I have a letter pending from a prof, and several from my manager. I can remind the latter but not the former and of course it causes me misery, since this was the only place from where I got a response.

I can't help checking gradcafe because I like flirting with anxiety. To make myself do some amount of work, I have taken to the pomodoro technique, for ten minutes.

Gradcafe checking aside, I do plan to have some peace. At moments like these, I reach back into my past and try to relate myself to my former self. It is a good exercise in trying to find courage.

Three days seem like a lifetime. I should be having some kind of fun. A few weeks ago, I started reading Russell's autobiography and stayed up the whole night to read it, like I once used to do. This happens to be my ultimate idea of fun.

Also I watched two movies back to back. Gotta take it up to four.

There is a post by Andrej Karpathy about writing, and I should probably follow it and send in a draft for ICML. Deadline is around. I know writing anything is a waste of time, but it is just something I have to do.

Yes, I get a sick pleasure out of thinking about my chances. 

I have been modifying my eating habits, and really hope it doesn't turn into something perverse.

In reality, I am just waiting for the we are sorrys to come rolling in, so I can get back to absolute nothingness.