A cold and windy morning

The title says it all, at least 'all' that is on the surface. 

Surprisingly, I feel somewhat better this morning, maybe because I slept relatively well. The cold air is nice and I came across a strange but nice song that depicts a battle in a desert.

Recently I have started realizing the true extent of my ignorance. However, there isn't much to do, since my cognitive functioning seems to have reached close to zero. Since it was something I depended on a lot, navigating life without it is tricky. I do not know if it is temporary or permanent, but I have to make peace with life as it is.

We all have to.

My mental balance questionnaire is still pending. Ah well, one of these days.

For the past few years, I have been living under too much stress. I have edged very close to the tipping point at times, but something or the other pulls me back. Still, it is a dangerous place to live, with very real physical consequences. Reading something this morning made me realize that losing grip on reality is a hallmark of mental illnesses, and I constantly complain about mine. It should have alerted me a long time ago that something was terribly amiss.

There are things one has to accept, and things one has to let go of. My time circuit is very strange and I have a very very weird sense of the flow of time. Ultimately you have to sculpt your own balance-I never bother myself with things like happiness and joy, I was not made for them and they were not made for me-and it is an ongoing quest. I can complain about it taking up too much of my energy, but who is going to listen to it. All I need are practical techniques to manage my situation, and the energy to carry them out.

Energy is a highly variable variable. Some days I feel like doing a mild amount of work, and do it. Some days all I can think of is my bedtime, when I will be able to curl up in my bed and cut myself off from the outside world, ever since I get up. It becomes very hard to do anything at all and I constantly worry about my job, as I should, for it is in reality the only tangible and solid relation I have in my life.

Music like this makes me want to get up and conquer the world, but then I think of the effort involved and just turn over in my bed. Motivation is a complex phenomenon, and now I think that emotions are a huge component of everything. A necessary ingredient. For doing anything, you need to have the right mix of curiousity, happiness, stability, fear, chance of reward and the like, and if any component is lacking you simply can't start the work. Fortunately or unfortunately, I can never work under a negative frame of mind. Threats and fears and stress make me lose all motivation and all productivity. Heck, they make me lose the impulse towards life itself.

At this point and age, I have no ambition and no dreams, besides being able to sleep eight hours straight. I check gradcafe everyday, although I have mixed emotions about it.

If there is one thing I have learned recently, it is this: the world and people will inevitably be cruel to you, so make sure you aren't cruel and cold to yourself. Indulging in self pity is not something I condone, but at least you should have a healthy respect for yourself, and recognize when you have been wronged, and sympathize with yourself, and cut yourself some slack from time to time.

And stop thinking of life as a goddamn race. We are all ultimately racing towards our graves and whatever we pick up on the way, or don't, isn't really relevant.

The trouble is, my brain has this tendency to stick to something that it becomes impossible to let go of it. Of course I try, but it is another constant battle. The best thing to do is to provide it interesting stuff to work on.