Okay yeah I have accepted that I am a lame person. This implies that I move on to the next step.
Yesterday I landed back in Karachi. The day was spent being disoriented, but today I woke up kinda on time and feeling okay. For quite some time, I had been waking up feeling pathetic. My parents' house does that to me. Today, however, I feel that I am on a beach in Hawaii, at least. This is a short summary of this house. The weather is kinda cool if I sit in the drawing room and I can feel the winter feels.
What does a lame person do? Well, the most straight forward way is to continue being lame, and that is the path of least resistance. However, I intend to be someone else, and this is a good start. The realization helps you chart the path forward. The objective function helps you decide the algorithm, you see.
What are the indicators of me being lame? I have recognized a few:
1. My financial mess. Basically I earn nothing and want everything. Not an ideal situation. While I do need to spend carefully, I also need to simply earn more.
2. My lack of depth, in everything from machine learning to philosophy. I have been told that I am simply not an artist, but I do like educating myself.
3. My zero-footprint existence. If I was to vanish today, no traces of me would be left behind, except my stupid clothes. I bought so many and after so much sampling, my god. My brain would conjure up dreams about colors and fabric patterns back in the day.
4. I get horrible scoldings from my boss, and this has been happening for quite some time. This needs to stop.
Maybe I will go read Cal Newport's ideas in some time, to help me organize my life.
Once you have made a discovery about yourself, you must stop being overwhelmed with emotion over it. When I find something out, I keep doubting it forever. The right next step is to move on to the next step. This phenomenon of being stuck in local maxima is something ingrained by my family. As with (almost) everything else they taught me, I'll be working hard at throwing it out of my system. Gunderson says that one must build a life narrative, create meaning out of suffering and use it to create a sense of self, a direction for the future. N thinks that he happens to be exceptionally unlucky and if there is something bad that happens to 1% of 1%, it will happen to him. On my part, I consider myself extraordinarily lucky. If there is something good that happens to 1% of 1% of 1%, that will happen to me. Multiple times, I have been thrown in situations from which only an outlier escapes. And I have escaped. Events like Carnegie Mellon, N and my blend of practical sense and imagination come to mind. I'll add Z to the list too, for he is father, mother and best friend combined to me. Now he has become my poetry teacher too. I might have spent years and years lying dormant on my chaarpai, writhing in pain, but there is a fire inside that refuses to die down, even though the world tries its hardest to quench it down. I simply refuse to back down and I have never even met a man with such an indomitable spirit, let alone a woman. Right now, I might be sitting all dolled up and demure in my drawing room and conversing about lunch with my folks (new) but it is just one side of my nature, one that is reserved for family. A simpler person might consider this simplicity to be deceptive but on my part, I just consider this to be another dimension of mine.
I used to have two different personalities for home and work. The two are collapsing and although this has lead to trouble at work, I am hoping that the synthesis can be very cool at the end.
So I guess I'll be building a life outside social media now.
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