Eight months of marriage, and I consider myself one of the luckiest women in the subcontinent. And one of the happiest. And the derivative for these is positive. I told N in the days leading up to our marriage that I had calculated that I was the luckiest bride in Punjab and Sindh for the last 100 years.
The only thing missing from my life is a second coffee. I just had one and I am not sure if I should have another. I guess I'll let the caffeine from this one settle first.
We have a massive power outage and it seems to be affecting network coverage too. I came out of my house to this nice coffee place, but then they started having issues too. So it is difficult to get anything done. Some recent events got me thinking about my life too- though not for long.
By now, I have realized that if one keeps pointing towards the same set of problems in one's life, this just implies that the real problem lies somewhere else. This applies, for example, to my whining about being worthless in life. I just saw the evidence for Sep 19, Sep 20 and realized that I have been saying this forever. To my credit, I got out of this mindset by Sep 2021, although I had my own issues-admittedly much smaller-in that time slot.
I'm listening to this nordic music that I discovered last summer and god, does it remind me of khaplu and altit fort!
Back to my issues. I have been saying since forever that I have no worth, in a whiny tone. First of all, this is a fact of nature and I embrace it with all my love for wisdom. It does not make me feel bad about myself. I am neither inferior nor superior to anyone else, and this is not going to change.
Anyways the real cause of my lack of worth is generational-my abba jee does not have worth of his and I have inherited this lack of stature. If this bothers me, I can always work on building my worth. Our society is highly antagonistic to progress, but this is not my problem. Worth is highly tangible and if it is there, one can see it. The real utility is only partial-I want to be able to afford a coffee every day and not once every six months.
I guess human beings have to be a highly organized unit. If I want to have gloria jeans in the morning, I must work for it in the evening, because abba jee has no worth. Otherwise I can't have it. This is a simple law and I can't go against it. Last month was an eye opening month for me, as I ran out of money within a week or something. That hurt.
Worth, worldly as well as literary, must be built. Blood, sweat and tears must be poured in. The output of this process can be measured, no doubt about it. The only thing that is growing in my life is my social media following, but I am just a bit skeptical about it.
I think the rest is going to follow.
Last week I had a cool interview, but missed a paper deadline. Ah well. All in a day's work. I would have screwed up my interview, but N acted as my emotion regulator and made me see sense. It went well, but this place has a low acceptance rate, and I don't care like I did back in July 2022.
To be honest, the most important thing is the realization that I have no worth, and I'm not building it by writing here. This is an outlet for my emotions that I keep using for the sake of old times, but it isn't contributing to my literary life.
What else have I learned? I move on. From situations, and realizations. Yes, you realized something. Now move on.
I have learned that giving an average amount of time to tasks can give really good results, but I have to put in this time.
Money, output, social following and real change, these are going to be my objectives from now on.
Z plays the sweetest tabla ever. The other day, I called him up when he was in his class and stayed on the line to listen to it for five minutes or something.
I have let go of my melancholic tendencies, and happen to be the liveliest thing alive these days. I feel the joy of life very very keenly-the second fills me with happiness, the minute with the joy of a lifetime. What more can I ask for? Also, I have recently taken the challenge to be the happiest person I know. So many minor annoyances just fall away when you look at life from the lens of joy.
About my writings- honestly I need to access my inner feelings. I am simply writing from an extremely cognitive place. I want to be able to access my emotions.
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