So I have gotten a lot of lectures on socializing in my life. Lack thereof, actually. My rude interfacing with people. My family, mostly my dad's family, never let this rest. I would get chided for being asocial in general, for reading in the middle of a crowd, for being awkward, everything you can imagine, and more.
Some time ago I got a similar lecture from my boss. That I did not interact with the team. That I came over and did not meet anyone. Kinda mother-in-law-ish. Since my MIL is a super chill woman, other people must compensate.
Today I realized that I interact and socialize and network just fine, when I need to. If I am leading a team, I get super chatty with people there. I try hard to find points of common discussion with S, since he barely talks. I get stellar reviews from my in-laws and have always gotten excellent job referrals.
N pointed out that people act very awkward with me. I simply mustn't take all the blame myself.
Life consists of swinging between major excitements and minor let-downs these days. My full offer consisted of a couple of extra elements that I had missed and the total goes up significantly when they are added. Aby already told me that I was going to be rich. The 1/2 week long orientation is going to take place in some nice location. Hopefully it won't be too hot.
A LOT of my worries are going to simply vanish in thin air. I recall my life in Pitt and the lifestyle I had on a student stipend. I was happy there, and this is a major upgrade. A major, major upgrade. The city has a lot of pros and a few cons, with one major con. In general, boises here tend to make me feel isolated, but it is definitely their loss.
I have realized a couple of new things. First, money and materialism has a repulsive component, when I see how most people live in the world. I am not going to let go of this part of myself. It is a very real realization about the world that I have, acquired after a lot of suffering. Never forget.
The other thing is that people at work are going to be very smart but a bit cautious, going-by-the-book kind of people. Consulting work is that kind of work. You are required to be creative, but not too creative. This is another part of me that is going to remain with me, just toned down for work. But the adventurous, curious and intrepid side of me is something that is not going away, ever.
The world is always trying to mold you in some shape that suits it, that is compatible with it, that thrives with it. I refuse. The other day I was talking to my dad and I realized how he has always been a big obstacle in the path of me being myself and how he simply lost all power over me. The bullies all lose their power one by one. With my skills, there simply aren't enough challenges around now.
The world is a very small oyster. Almost no power over me. Randomness yes, people no.
I have also realized that in terms of big picture thinking, there are always like 4-5 cascading pictures at any time. You have to choose to focus on any one at any point of time. Different timeframes, dimensions, systems.
I feel sick at the idea of all the money, considering how people get by on scraps and work hard for them. The world is unfair and cruel.
One needs to be very non-emotional to see things as they are. At the same time, it requires fine-tuned emotional circuitry to be able to see things in detail. I guess an emotional circuit requires fine control.
In all the big/small pictures in my life, I need to reduce my screen time. By a lot. Grocery shopping videos are great fun, but and ultimate waste of time.
Going to get some work done now.
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