So I definitely need to train my emotion regulation circuitry. Not that I disapprove of it or anything, but I'm here looking at lifestyle videos for a certain city, when I don't have the formals pinned down yet. They were supposed to get back to me yesterday but did not. I am not bothered by the idea of them reneging but my total compensation is going to determine a lot of things so it matters whether it is closer to 150k or 300k.
N is super excited and he went through some summary of the history of the country under discussion.
This waiting is not super comfortable, but most of life is waiting. Plus, I am learning how to live life one day at a time. Really, today is the only day we have.
My only experience of living abroad has been around amreeka and although it is a wonderful place to live, my experience there was rather limited by my student financials. This is going to be a big jump and hopefully I can afford to be far more liberal with my finances.
With the delay in the incoming offer, there is some likelihood of the location shifting to another city but whatever, I'm me and I'll do okay in any place. Also, daydreaming is fine and I am allowed to be happy. If it does not go according to the plan, I'll not be chiding myself for my bout of excitement. I am allowed to be happy and to daydream.
About work. I need to learn, really learn how to work smart. I have had some issues since childhood around it. I have produced a lot of output, but always after spending so much time and inwardly recoiling in self doubt. There is a certain clarity that was missing. I have found it now, a bit. Somewhat. Still discovering it.
The dynamics go something like this: someone would give me a task that would take 8 hours for 7/10 quality. I can produce 9/10 in 2 hours because all I have to do really is to sit down and do the work. Still, I would doubt myself and get stuck at totally irrelevant places and would take 32 hours to do 8/10. This has been my life. Even when I would study, I would waste a lot- A LOT- of time in opening my books, cleaning stuff, and would totally get stuck on super unimportant stuff. These are lapses of thinking behaviour that I am recognizing now, at 31 years of age. If I am going to a demanding place, I better be good at churning out quality work fast. I should be able to vary the quality intentionally.
Surprisingly, everyone else knows these things by default.
Z helpingly pointed out some time ago that I was having a mood swing in the morning about work. I could never have realized this all by myself. It was super helpful.
I think there are short term emotions (nice nuggets today!), long term emotions (I feel satisfied with life), and then way you feel about things. These are different levers you can tweak to vary your emotional state.
Okay with more delay, I feel the probability of a location switch increasing but even if that happens, I'll be disappointed for five minutes and then back to my joyful state. Life is too short to waste in regrets and disappointments.
Clearly I have changed.
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