Circles and movement

Isolation might be getting to me, but it has some benefits over normal life. At least I don't have to feel too guilty about doing nothing.
It is infinitely difficult to keep one's self entertained, and this responsibility can not be delegated to anyone else. I confess that I am infinitely bored these days; so much so, that at times I start thinking of responding to texts. Horror of horrors.
Communication is mostly an exercise in futility, and I am sadly too aware of the shortcomings and barriers of language and words. They way they hide, distort and malign rather than transmit, convey, inform. To try to communicate is a fool's errand.
People usually make peace with the cognitive dissonance inside, but I struggle with it too. Most of our internal life is spent resolving our own questions and dilemmas, or at least making some effort along those directions.
Making an effort is a thing that does not come naturally to me, oh no. Laziness is inherent in my material. So is listlessness. The laziness, however, always wins.
Except from being locked down with family, life is pretty empty these days. I am not doing anything and I do not plan to do anything either. Why bother pretending that I haven't given up mostly? I was never a starry eyed youth and in these mature years, I have tasted the futility and the pointlessness more than anything else.
Recently I have been watching a German sci fi series and I have a few observations to make.
1. Cause and effect are piece-wise in human life. A bit of cause, some effect, more cause and so on. Rarely does anyone do anything without feedback.
2. I think I am a non-linear system. My reactions are disproportionate and huge. I am left looking like an utter fool when things subside. It has something to do with feeling in high-resolution and noticing details. The system has its pros but it does not make for a smooth life.
3. I want to learn German, but uttering this line takes up all my energy and I am unable to do a single bit about it.
I have been happy and serene at times in my life, at places and with people. Trouble is, it never lasts. People take up too much energy and there are always miles and miles of chasms between you and them. At this point, I have pretty much stopped caring. Why bother feeling when it is utterly pointless in the end?
If I could choose a super-power, I would want the ability to sleep 23.5 hours every day.
Oh yeah, circles. Someone told me that I move in circles and stay stuck in things forever. I realized that she is right.