Waiting for life

 As if it is going to happen.

So I have stopped trying to study decision theory because I don't get measures, and critique because I don't get it all, so nothing left to do.

One can sleep, for sure, but ultimately you have to get up. I tried sleeping for12-14 hours but yes the spell ends.

I thought I was content learning but apparently it is useless too. Maybe I should detect the beginning of a downward slide here and trigger some fail-safe mechanism, like an intense session of maths. I guess I will, because in spite of all my love of self-pity, it gets really ugly really fast and spirals out of control and I am not going to go to that point again.

Winter evenings ordinarily give one a very mellow feeling, but I am done with all shades of happiness/mellowness/grief for now, and refuse to indulge in them.

Yes, no response from anyone. Yes, I meticulously check my emails.

I wish there was something easy in my life, but wishes do not a life make. And who cares. A sense of justice should never spring from a sense of entitlement.

My communication is poor, just like my mathematics. I was going through stuff about Maryam Mirzakhani, realized that she is the kind of woman who inspires me, and then double realized that she and I are so different as to be practically different species, and insights from her life do not apply to mine.

Recently I have become interested in the question of identity, as in what one chooses to believe is the most essential part of one's being. I guess people have different answers, but all of them have one thing or the other on which they hang their existential angst. A poet once told me that he considers his poetry to be the only reason for him to continue existing and I think it shows that he identifies with his poetry. I argued that it was not a very befitting reason for existing, and one is just because one is, but he found it too drab a train of thought. I suppose he was right and I was wrong, as usual.

Recently I have discovered a remarkably accurate classifier for detecting lapses of judgment. It is rather simple and goes like this: if I am making a judgment, it is the wrong one to make. If I am thinking something, of course it has no relation to reality. If I have an idea in my mind, a standard, a principle, it is bogus by definition. This applies to the first layer of thinking and not the questioning that follows up. I have finally decided to let go of the supposedly tenuous grip on reality I had, which was never tenuous in the first place, just non-existent.

Pyrrho would be awed, I think. Skepticism is too much work and too much pain. This way is easier and more elegant. Right, too, if anything like that matters.

Once a dogmatist, always a dogmatist, and ever in need of a creed to adopt.

What can I say? Particularly when it is known that whatever I say will be wrong and far away from reality.

And of absolutely no use.

Still, I think I will go and study nonprametric Bayesian estimation, for I refuse to go down tonight.

If you think of the world as an adversary(and you better) then your emotional reactions are something it uses against you, when you have complete control over them. I am going to get a button right there.

Yes, I do think that not being contacted by 6th Jan pretty much means it is a no from everywhere.