Saturday, January 16, 2021

Once a tool, always a tool

 Albeit a third grade one.

I have reached a conclusion: I am primarily a tool for writing. No one's tool in particular, but a tool nonetheless. Most of the time a third grade one, and asymptoatically reaching 2.5th grade in some niches and at some moments, but a tool in all circumstances.

It actually explains a lot of things, unlinke my theories regarding NLP and deep learning. Why people behave the way they behave towards me. Why I behave the way I behave. Why I always return to the same themes in life. Why I constantly fall in the same patterns.

A tool cannot escape its destiny, it seems, try as it might. It can even try denying the very notion of destiny, but no one will listen to it babbling incoherently to itself. Even destiny won't be listening to it. Incoherently cause the third grade, you see.

Might as well seriously get into writing and stop trying to fit into the world of humans as a woman of flesh and bones with passions on the side. As for the third grade, there should be ample market for it.

What particularly rankles is the fact that my paper got a 3 while another by my classfellows got a 9. They deserve all the success and more, but it just highlights the difference in the quality of their work and mine as the bottom 1% vs the top 1%. Back in dec 2017, I wasn't exactly a bright student and three years of lack of stability seem to have pushed me further away. Ah well, can't really help things like these. I guess I can just try to improve the quality of my work in general.

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