I was in an okayish mood when I got up at 12, but then I saw a multi-point reprimand by my boss and of course that was the start of a downward slide. Still, I am trying to rationalize it, since he is right and I just suck at my job. I am sure there is some self-sabotage at play here too and I do not relish the idea of getting fired; in fact, it would be a tangible loss and a problem for me, were it to happen, but I have been robbed of the ability to give a damn.
Still, this is a realistic forecast for the year, and I should not be surprised if the following happen:
1. I get rejected from all 14 places. In fact, it is quite likely.
Okay I just got a new year package from my office. I love these guys, and feel sorry for them.
Back to the incoming wave of rejections. I have one letter pending now, but the process was and continues to be draining. You hear all these things about how hard it is to get into NLP and then I am a weak candidate by so many definitions.
I check gradcafe from time to time, but I have a story and some decision theory to read so it isn't frantic scrolling. Anyways I could never compete with the world.
I hope I can somehow make it to darya kinaray. If it is a low stress place, I might even be at peace there. If there is an actual darya there, I'll visit it in the evenings and read poetry.
I wonder if I can make it to a single competitive program, but maybe I am entirely unsuited to these programs.
2. I get fired from my job. Pretty self explanatory at this point.
3. My mental balance deteriorates even further. However, I will be working really hard to prevent it. Right now, it is the only thing that matters and I can go to extreme lengths to protect it. For maybe the first time in my life, I actually mark topics as not-to-be-considered. Like I simply don't care. Feelings are only a matter of training your own grey matter and I can and will do it.
4. Bad stuff happens. A category as broad as broad can be.
Agonizing over consequences just gives one a pathetic digestive system, something that I am tired of. I need to start marking things as binary, in my control and not in my control. If they are in the former, I will think and adopt the best strategy. The latter will just get banished from my mind; them pretty neurons deserve stuff that wants to be there.
My writing is full of non-sequitrs, just like me, and it makes writing academic papers hard. Writing papers is a hard skill and it will take me quite some practise to get something done.
I hope I stick to decision theory and see it through.
Emotion regulation is the only thing I really need to work on. The rest of life just falls in place.
If I happen to die in this year in an abrupt, non-dramatic manner, I'll consider myself the luckiest of creatures. The only good thing that can happen to one in any given year.
People suffer and toil a lot in the world, and I get sick of my own whining. Still, this is something I have been writing here for the past ten years, so the realization has never been the problem. It is the follow up work that I have problem with.
I wonder what it is with the human need to form and belong to communities. Maybe everyone is just looking for information to maximize their own gain. Maybe this is the sole reason and I have mistakeny been looking at a longing for belonging as the cause. People socialize because it is useful.
Well, I can socialize. During 2020, I was rated as 2/10 on work and negative infinity on charm among a group of women that extends from sahiwal to seattle. This year I'll be running a psychological experiment in my free time, as much of it as can be spared, that seeks to rank my attractiveness. Experiment design is a science but what people don't realize is that I formally studied it in grad school, and it is high time I had a reliable estimator for this problem.
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