It was on this exact same blog that I used to complain about life being too DC. The year was probably 2012 or 2013 A.D. Then things changed as they always do and they triggered me as they, again, always do. Self diagnosis tends to be suspect but I do think I have very mild autism, as evidenced by my fear of change and my delayed response processing problem.
Life these days was stable, and stability is what I long for more than anything as a broke, going-nowhere-in-life, personal or professional, 30-ish woman with nothing to say and no one to say it to. I severely underestimated its importance and well yes I have realized my mistake.
I find doctors to be the only class of people who can ever diagnose anything correctly about me. Mostly I am on my own. So be it.
It does make one question the entire point of having people in one's life. Since I am done with the usual host of questions that accompanies midlife crisis, I can afford to deal with it now. As usual, I suspect I know the answer. Putting it into practise would take some effort on my part, but hey, I can manage it, inspite of a different kind of ache along every foot of my body that seems menopausal on multiple accounts. Ah well, one's spirit must be what it is, and mine has never been young for a moment.
Last few weeks have been lovely for half an hour every day when I study differential geometry. This is the kind of stuff I have always wanted to spend my time with, but it does not come naturally to me. Ah well nature is overrated.
All this reflection reminds me of the succinct conclusion I once reached and told Aby about, while reclining on a chair in the UC; that I don't need men, I just need maths. Men are lovely creatures and the reference here is metaphorical, towards all things material and abstract and which don't reside in one's mind. The biggest lesson I have learnt or perhaps re-learnt is that it is what it is, where it can point to each and every thing in the universe. A lifetime spent trying to fit in tells me that it is an exercise in futility, and one that tends to hurt people all around. An excess of emotions and a deep inexplicable void are things that humans carry around in one form or another and here at least I can find refuge in the elusive concept of normalcy.
